I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
