next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
