I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
