A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
