My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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