im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.