mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever