She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Randomize
