Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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