Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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