yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Let's get the cat blown out
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
