Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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