Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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