does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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