Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
