Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
