she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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