maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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