I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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