Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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