Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
