she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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