If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
