I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
