I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My dick has a subreddit
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
