i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
