WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
