the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
