I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
