Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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