there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
