You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
