I faked an abortion last night.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I would fuck him just for his dog
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
