please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
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