i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
