May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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