Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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