Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
