Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
