I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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