i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Maybe he injected his testicle?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
