Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
