I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
