Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
