Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
