and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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