About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
