i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
