My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's shark week go big or go home
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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