thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She even gives head with a lisp.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
