i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
