you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
