Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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