I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
