i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
What a dumb baby whore.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
