I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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