o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
In America we eat man semen.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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