i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
